Death is so, final!

I'm now in my late 40's , still looking 29 tho, and just a few short days ago I was setting in a church where I once sang songs. My Dad, My Aunt Shelia and My Aunt Connie sat on the bench in front of me. It was Mamaw Sue's Funeral at Lower Chilhowee Baptist Church.  Once I sang there as a kid with a RadioShack speaker and a microphone. The 35 to 50 people that was attending church that night for me was a huge audience, back then. Back at the funeral I was reminded  of just who the fuck I was. I saw with my own eyes those things from my childhood that sent me where I am today - again.
The change for me is living. I was reminded of how I never wanted to live back then, i thought. My humor was to cover pain, i was aware of it but didn't "know" I had it, it seemed so normal then. Hell it wasn't pain. It was confusion. Still is. I have no pain. I have emotions and feelings - they are so freaking strong that I obsess.
I look in the mirror  and I freak out. I am not getting any younger and looks has always been so important for me. Back to that acceptance thang and for that matter let's mention Mamaw Sue. She liked to dress.
The last few days as I have dove into work because processing everything that I have this past few weeks has blown my.mind. I have purposely distanced myself and really trying to connect more to my roots. Hanging with Mom and Dad is not a bad thing.
I watched the lid close on my Mamaw Sue's casket this past Saturday. When that lid closed I gasp. So many secret conversations, so many recipes, so many conversations, so much advise, so many traditions, so much love - was locked in that casket.
 I don't know that my Mamaw was anything correct, accurate or normal as we all strive for normal, something that doesn't exist. I am not sure that my Mamaw was even a perfect Mamaw but I know that she was mine, my perfect Mamaw. I do know that I figured a lot of stuff out there, at her house. The old green house that I LOVED and it was nothing. It was her house tho.
A place, Tennessee, and a reason to come back here, Mamaw's Death, was way earlier in my life than I expected. I guess I am reminded again of " God's Perfect Timing". Getting all these new feelings of a very old past and processing them in a positive nature, truly rewarding. I'm exhausted from the work and emotional over load but I am not dead. Such a final composition - death!

It's the love in my heart, For the friends on my mind, That God Blesses My Soul, So that I may Make Life Happen! - Taz Cable

I'm OK with leaving. I just wish they could all come with me. Life. Just Live It.

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